berating finally stopped

my mother's berating finally stopped. and guess what stopped her - a kind reminder from me that i'm still a human and can happily jump off the building when my limit is reached. haha. how sad is it. that it takes the threat of death of her offspring to finally get a mother to shut her gap.

perhaps partially because i'm not a good daughter... i'm not even close to being a useful member of the society.

then after that she consoled me. haha. and guess what. i could not be bothered. she can just stay her annoying self forever and i would not bat an eyelid. 

and why. i guess after some time you just get numb to her BS. and i therefore blog to remind myself of this moment forever. that i won't care about her. perhaps i will fulfill my duty as a daughter. but only because i have to.

may lightning strike me if god ever see the need to. i don't care.

scarecrow in disguise

alevel results are out. the judgement day has come and i'm going to hell. and staying there forever. in my mother's pov at least. 

i have to admit that i kind of deserve this bad as shit results judging by the amount of effort i have put in. and it has made me feel worthless. undeserving to be still living.

i don't understand my mother at all. she doesnt like it when im depressed. and when im no longer sad, she say all the crappiest things to make me feel even more worthless than an ant or any form of bacteria. i really have this urge to end my life, not because of my bad results, just so to make her life worse than death, living with guilt at every inch of her life.

haha. you may say it's totally not worth it. but to me now, it somehow does.

i really have had enough of her. haha. and my friends say i should open up more to people and stop suppressing everything inside. but from my experience, the more you open up, the weaker and more worthless you feel, especially when the person you open up to is someone like my mother.