it still hurts

a few mins ago, i heard my sis sniffing away in the studyroom. i felt really sad and useless because she asked me a simple question a moment before that which i failed to answer coherently. the answer that i wanted to give her and she wanted are so similar and simple. yet i can't open my big mouth to say it. wtf.

my heart ache for her like i can never imagine. i can't say i'm really that close to my sis. but she is afterall my blood sister who has played an important role in my life. i simply cannot imagine my life without her. due to the huge age gap, when people asked me how is it to have such an older sis, i simply replied 'it's as annoying as having another mum'. but deep in my heart, i can tell that no one, not even my mum, can replace her.

i often have trouble expressing my feelings. i'm also too egoistic to show my appreciation for her. and right now, she is feeling sad and i'm at lost as to how to console her.

i have never hated my low eq this much until now. i tend to act nonchalant to everything that's happening around me. not because i really don't care, but simply because i don't know how to show it. even though i act like i don't give a damn, it still hurts.